“After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations.”

“I tend to show everything I do to my family, to check they won't be offended.”

“My family isn't really all that different from anyone else's. Well, maybe they're a bit more entertaining.”

“It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You'll have a nice time, then two years later you'll be like, 'There was a pony there? Really? And a clown with one leg?'”

“The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons.”

“When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard.”

“I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me.”

“But most good movies have a gun in them.”