“Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!”

“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.”

“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”

“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”

“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.”

“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.”

“I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.”

“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”

“If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.”