“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”

“I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.”

“I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.”

“At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.”

“With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.”

“With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.”

“My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.”

“I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.”

“I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.”

“What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.”

“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”

“I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.”