“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”

“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'”

“I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.”

“I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.”

“I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.”

“I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”

“I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.”

“I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.”

“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”

“My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.”

“I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.”

“Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'”

“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.”